I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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