i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
