what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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