I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
