I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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