I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
