Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
