it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
