we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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