Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
