You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
