i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
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Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
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He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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