Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
