I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
