I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
