I CAN MOONWALK!
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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