your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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