I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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