I cockslap morals
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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