My hand turned me down
worst night to have a conscience
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
