is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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