After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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