He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
