May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I love having hate sex.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
