Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
