Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
