Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
