the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
