im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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