I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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