grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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