I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
