i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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