remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
