I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
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