No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
