I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
