but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
