i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
