i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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