i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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