How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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