I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
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My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
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I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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