i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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