she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
