My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
