The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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