I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
