I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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