hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
