why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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