So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
