she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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