i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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