party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
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What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
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I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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