Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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