laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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