I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
