I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
