I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
