My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
