Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
