dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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