i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
